Your Stories

Submitted by Connie Thompson (17th May, 2006)

My husband was involved in a accident on the 14 02 2006 on the A52 in which 6 people were killed,he was driving the lorry the mini bus hit .The accident wasnt his fault the mini bus was overtaking 2 lorries my husbands lorry was the second one he was passing and he hit another lorry coming the other way .Now my husband cant drive his lorry,and has trouble driving his car because he has flash backs,it has made him very nervous.He has had counciling he was told he could be suffering pdsd.

Submitted by Kimbereley Lorraine Evans (16th May, 2006)

Hi, Kelly,

It has taken a lot of courage to contact you, as I don’t use the internet very often - unless for email.

I was travelling back from seeing my 22 yr old daughter in Uni - which is a four hour drive each way, when I heard you on the car radio on Mon 8th May 2006 - by the time you had finished, and heard the anguish of your callers on the ‘phone there were tears streaming down my face.

Just like you, like you, I had kept a secret for over 25 yrs, as I had inadvertently caused the death of my younger brother - it was no car accident, or typical harm in the home, or a child falling out of a tree - it was an incident I could have stopped - if I had the hindsight I have now!

You see, my 21 yr old brother committed suicide on his 21st birthday, and when he ‘phoned me to come and talk to me before hand - I was too busy being happy with my new husband and toddler to spare the time for him. also, I was expecting my second child and I was on ‘cloud nine’.

The reality of it is, my life has never been the same again, and I lost the baby, after receiving the news of my brothers death, but fortunately I had another beautiful daughter a few years later who is 20 yrs now.

The background is, we were both sexually abused as toddlers, by my grandfather, and even though I now realise everyone knew, they tried to cover it up, as you did in those days - so I protected my little brother, from the age I realised what was happening, in the hands of a monster, by taking my brothers place ( I was 11yrs old, he was 4yrs old). Whilst my grandfather was’babysitting’! (He’s dead now)!!

Since then, I was more of a mother to my little brother (who would be in his 40’s now) and tried to protect him from everything - my mother had no idea why we were so close, in fact he felt guilty all his life, that I put myself through something to save him going through it. ( I just couldn’t let this blonde curly-haired, big blue-eyed boy go through something, I would rather leave to someone’s imagination.

I am being very cautious with details, but the fact is, because I found happiness and moved on - I didn’t stop to think that my brother hadn’t!

On My brothers 21st Birthday January 1983 at midnight, he took my mothers car, and took his own life! (after a ‘phone call to me)!

I can say now, that my life hasn’t been the same since, my mother has had cancer since, and so did my dad, and it was only when my dad only had a few weeks to live, as he couldn’t breathe, he wanted me to stay with him for a week-end, away from my family, and he admitted, he knew why my brother was dead.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried so hard to be happy, but you almost feel guilty for being so. One of your callers, said that he lost his temper, and couldn’t remember much after it, - well that is me - you just want to hit out at everything and scream!

25 yrs is nothing, when you have something lodged in your mind!

I have ended up in a police cell because my husband couldn’t control my violent temper - I didn’t know what a police station looked like to that point!

The next thing I knew (years later), I was in hospital drinking too much and taking a load of anti-depressants, because I couldn’t see why I should be alive, and he dead - nothing made sense to me. Here I was with two lovely daughters, and a loving husband - but I could not shake off the guilt!

Fortunately, I was talked into seeing, I had my girls to live for, and be sorry for the baby I lost - but the guilt will be with me to the grave. (I can still hear my brothers voice over the ‘phone asking to see me)!

I saw my parents go down hill, because what I thought was my fault.

I am now going through a divorce, because my husband can’t handle it, anymore, let’s face it - neither can I.

Submitted by Anonymous (15th May, 2006)

On 15 December 1974 my sister, Sharon, was hit by a car and died as a result of her injuries. I was just short of my 4th birthday and Sharon just short of her 7th. When I was old enough to ask questions and my mother strong enough to talk about it she told me that it was a genuine accident and that the man responsible was equally as traumatised as we were. I’m 35 now and still miss my sister terribly. I have but a handful of memories and they are very precious to me, but I would like to say that accidents, however tragic, do happen and I do not blame the driver in anyway as I know he will have suffered for as long as we have.

Submitted by Samantha (9th May, 2006)

May 22nd 1988 at a new junction in worksop i was in colision with another car as a result of this a child died ive had a lot to drink just to type this i have three daughters that i cherish i have not come to terms with happend as a result i dont know please help

Submitted by Patricia (9th May, 2006)

I am writing my story because, for 3 years, I have felt guilty because I wasn’t able to prevent a death, although I don’t think I caused it.

In 2003 my daughter’s boyfriend killed himself by hanging himself in our house. I wasn’t there and she was alone with him at the time. She was only 20 (he was 24) and she is still extremely traumatised by the events that unfolded that night.

I had told her, on a number of occasions, not to be emotionally blackmailed by any boyfriend who threatened to ‘end it all’ if she ended the relationship.

Her Dad and I were overseas on holiday the night it happened. They had argued because he was insecure and possessive and had taken to following her wherever she went, without her knowledge. He was in trouble at work because he took a lot of time off so he could follow her, but she didn’t know this at the time. He had been drinking when he met her from work, they argued and she ended the relationship. I don’t know if he threatened to end it all and what her response to such a threat might have been and maybe I shall never know, but he went into the bathroom and never came out. She tried for hours to get the door open but was unable to do so.

I have wondered, many times, if I had been there could I have opened the door and saved him? I know she would have come and woken me and I would have tried.

I have nightmares in which I am there, she comes for me and I manage to get the door open and having screamed at her to call an ambulance I start performing CPR. I always awake, exhausted, never knowing whether I saved him or not.

For many months afterwards I was terrified I would lose my daughter - she was severely traumatised but the doctors only prescribed anti-depressants (some of which are known to make the patient feel much worse, even suicidal, before they start to feel better) and when she attempted to access bereavement counselling she was told there was a 16 week waiting list. There have been a number of occasions when I have been so close to losing her.

At the inquest we discovered that he had had mental health problems for a number of years and had made a previous attempt to take his own life - many of his friends and family believed it was ‘just a matter of time’ but I really believe his actions have changed all of us. My daughter is no longer the carefree young woman she was, she is very sensitive and cries a lot and, although she has assured me on numerous occasions that she is OK, I’m afraid to be away from her for too long. And I panic if my family aren’t in plain sight and I go upstairs and see the bathroom door firmly shut.

Submitted by Anonymous (8th May, 2006)

When I was aged 26 my Dad was involved in an accident. The car in front waited at a junction and Dad was behind in his car. The car in front pulled out but stalled, Dad followed after but hit the car in the back as it stalled. It was unavoidable. He did all the right things and any damage to the cars was sorted out through insurance claims.

However, a couple of weeks later he received a letter telling him one of the passengers, a disabled teenage girl, had died. They blamed it on the accident.

My Dad went from being a lovely outgoing man to a very troubled person. Two months later, at Christmas, he was diagnosed with cancer. He died three months later, at Easter. Prior to this he had never had a day off sick in over thirty years.

He wouldn’t talk about the accident except to blame himself and I’m certain in my mind that the stress of knowing a young girl had died triggered his cancer.

Submitted by Betty Crabb (8th May, 2006)

The reason im sending you my story is not because i have killed anyone by car but my daughter Lynsey aged 17 years old was killed in a car crash in 1997 today 9 years ago she was buried at 10.30 am on wet may day which will never forget as long as i live . She was my lfe she had her whole life ahead of her but for just a split second she was killed by a stupid person driving the car thinking he was capable of driving which he was he was showing off by doing 60mph in 30mph zone my daughter and danny died on inpact of the car hitting the lamp post , and ricki was thrown out of the car which who was my daughter boyfriend at the time and the driver being craig was taken to hospital put on life support machine . the driver died on the day my Lynsey was buried he had his machine turned off . I really dont know how I have lasted this long with out her I did campaign for 8 years to make the road safer where she was killed because it is called the stripe on madria drive brighton east sussex I did make it safe so hopefully no one else will be killed there . I have thought of writting a book on the experence of living after your daughter get killed at such a early age I still find it very hard to come to terms with it I put on a brave face every day for all but im still hurting badly inside . I have a older daughter Louise who is 34 years and have a grandson he will be 1 on 22nd may It has helped having a grandson but my life will never be the same ever again

Submitted by Carol Flanigan (8th May, 2006)

On the 6th July 2003, myself,my sister, my niece and my daughter were travelling in my car behind my husbands car carrying him, my son and his friend. We were heading up to a place called Tummel Valley holiday park for a weeks holiday. The roads are very narrow and have lots of sharp bends. There were lots of motorbikes on the road. We were about a few miles from our destination when a motorbike came around a corner and went past us, then immediately after, there was another one which (we think) took the corner too wide. It hit off my husbands car and the passenger on the bike came off and landed under the front end of my car.

From that point on I felt that my body had went into shock, I remember hearing lots of screaming and was told later from my sister that it was actually me that was doing the screaming.

My husband came running over and so did the guy off the first bike and told me to get out of the car as it was still on top of the person. We then had to roll it off of them and the sight of what I then saw was the most awful thing i think I could ever see.

A doctor had been near the scene and pronounced the person dead. There was thick blood everywhere and the legs were in funny positions. The helmet was removed and I then saw that it was a girl. I was holding her hand at this point willing her to wake up although I knew there was no way possible. The next thing I heard was her partner screaming her name Annie from down the road. He had injuries of his own. I found out later that she was in her early thirties (same age as me). Mostly everything after that went in a bit of a blur, after a few hours, we were taken the rest of our journey by the police and had to stay at the park for the week whilst trying to sort out hire cars to get us home.

One of the young policemen came to the park the next day to check we were all ok and told us it was his first fatal accident that he had attended.

I felt guilty for a long time thinking I could have done something different to avoid taking her life. I dont know if I am completely over the guilt but I never stop thinking about it and how her family must feel and whenever a motorbike goes past me , I shudder.

People think that you get over something like this and it will go from your mind but it dosen’t. I will never forget it.

I am sorry.

Submitted by Steve Hill (8th May, 2006)

I’m not a writer and I’m not always good with words and expressing my self but here goes, I killed a man!

When someone tells you this in a foreign language it’s hard to digest as I started to regain consciousness this is what I was being told, I stumbled from my car and started walking toward the other vehicle, I was asking if I could help, they said it was too late, they said he was dead, I was led away and stood by a tree, feeling sick and dazed the police arrived, I called my parents in England, it was the worst phone call I’ve ever made and the words were echoing threw my head, telling my mum the truth was hard, a couple of drinks and too few hours sleep and my summer away in Spain had turned to a nightmare, drink driving and a charge of impromptu murder, manslaughter! How ever you say it, it still makes me feel sick to my stomach!

My friends and family stood by me, my Spanish friends wrote letters to the lawyers, I wrote to his family and 4 months in prison, I was released on bail, they celebrate when you get out, your friends and family, and why not they got me back in one piece I guess. I didn’t celebrate!

I left a part of me by the road that day, 3 years have past and I’ve not felt whole, not for one day, I still drive and every time I do I think of what I’ve done, to cause a death, to take a life, to make someone a widow, to kill someone’s son and brother.

I just try to get by a day at a time, most days I think I deserve the shit and pain and hassle a get in my everyday life, I’ll be single for good I think I can’t bare to be loved, I can’t be worthy of love, so I pay for love and drink to forget.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do so I try to help, I help strangers, but do I do it to ease my conscience, or to make a difference, I don’t know but I do know it helps some people, so I’ll try and earn my place in heaven.

My punishment is fitting, I live with it every day, and I’ll live with it every day until I’ve paid my do’s.

Steve

Submitted by Anonymous (8th May, 2006)

My ten year old son was sick with the flu and too ill to go to school. It was a Monday morning shortly before Christmas 1996 and I was due to report for my first day in a new job. I had had quite a lot of bad luck with jobs at that time and this promised to be quite an exciting opportunity for me on a temp to perm basis. I am a single mum with two lads, the elder one being twelve years old at the time.

I was therefore faced with a dilemma. Do I stay at home with my sick son and therefore jeopardise my job prospects and also the future financial security for myself and my sons or do I see if someone else could look after my son for me? I chose the latter and telephoned my mother to ask her if she would look after my son. She initially refused as she and my father were heavily involved in charity work which involved very close contact with elderly people and my mother said she would rather not put herself into a flu environment as she didn’t want to risk contracting the virus and possibly passing it on to the more vulnerable elderly people that she helped to care for. I wholeheartedly accepted her decision and said I would stay at home.

A short while later my mother telephoned and she said she had talked it through with my father and she would be coming over to look after my son after all. I was obviously very grateful and prepared for my first day in my new job.

My mother duly arrived and lovingly cared for my son whilst I commenced my job.

My mother was 69 years old and through the vast majority of her life she had enjoyed good health and was a fit and active person.

A few days later my mother did go down with the flu virus and it affected her very badly. My father attempted to “nurse” her at home as he didn’t want to worry the doctor at Christmas time but over the next few days my father contracted the virus too and was no longer able to look after mother. On Boxing Day the doctor was finally called and came to see my mother at her home. He was very concerned and advised us how best to look after her. Then on New Year’s Eve the doctor was called again as mother’s health was deteriorating. This time mother was admitted to hospital. Within two hours she was hooked up to every imaginable machine and had oxygen, fluids and drugs pumped into her through a maze of drips.

She was unconscious in intensive care and I had put her there.

For four weeks my father, brother and I sat by her bed watching her suffer and slowly ebbing away from us. Day by day I felt I was killing her. If it wasn’t for me she would be fit and well and enjoying life like she used to before I put the virus into her system. When I was alone with her I would hold her hand and cry and tell her how sorry I was and that I would do anything if she would just get well again. After about two weeks her internal organs started to fail and we had to make the heart rending decision to withdraw all treatments. We watched her for another two weeks before she finally lost her fight and slipped away from us for ever.

I asked my father if he blamed me for mother’s death and he simply said “It is too late for blame now.” I certainly blame myself for my mother’s death which occurred nine years ago. I still cry for her and the guilt I carry will be with me to my dying day. Never ever from that day to this has anyone else looked after a child of mine when they were sick, new job or no new job. My job is to look after my children and I will never again put anyone else’s life in jeopardy when clearly they are my boys and I should be the one to look after them when they are ill.

My father has subsequently also passed away after suffering a massive heart attack three years after mother died. I obviously miss him tremendously and am desperately saddened by his death but apart from the fact that I feel I robbed him of his wife in their retirement years, I feel no guilt over his death.

I have talked to one or two friends about my guilt but they don’t seem to understand and keep telling me I am being silly. So ultimately I have kept it all bottled up for the last nine years where it will presumably remain until my death.

Submitted by Melanie Mann (8th May, 2006)

I was so pleased to hear your interview on the Jeremy Vine show and learn of your book which I have now ordered. I realise its not the same as killing a person, but I have experienced exactly the same feelings of guilt, shame and deep shock. I was responsible for the accidental death of a new dog I had just bought. He was attacked by my other dogs and although I heard barking I just presumed they were barking at the postman. I could have gone to see to them immediately but I didn’t. By the time I went out to the garden he was lying comatosed - uninjured but in deep shock. Although we got him to the vets in 10 minutes, but he died a day later without gaining conciousness.

This happenned last September and affected me deeply - I couldn’t sleep or talk to anyone about it. I was in shock. I looked for other people to blame, IF my partner didn’t have a lie in, IF the new Dog run had been put up, IF it wasn’t so windy I’d have heard them. I couldnt move on until I accepted full responsibility, I shouldn’t have left them all together. Others said - Thats Life or It was only a dog, but it didn’t help. I think about what happened every day - this was the worst day of my life.

Being responsible for the death of a dog was bad enough. My thoughts are with those who have to live with the death of another person whether it was their fault or not. I am really looking forward to reading your story. Thank you so much for raising this issue in your book which will be a lifeline to so many people. Perhaps a dedicated helpline should be setup.

Melanie Mann

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